For some people, y thoughts bring up excitement and anticipation around past ual encounters or possible future experiences.
Lingering on these thoughts might turn you on or lead to masturbation. (Totally normal!)
If you’re dealing with ual repression, even the word “” could trigger embarrassment or shame.
What do you mean?
Maybe you learned in childhood that was unpleasant or just for marriage.
Your parents may have told you masturbating or thinking about meant you were sinful.
As a result, you learned to squash your (perfectly natural) desires in order to protect yourself.
If your fear of these thoughts led you to ignore them entirely, as an adult, you might find it difficult to express yourself .
When you do masturbate or have , you might feel bad or guilty afterward.
Is it the same thing as ual frustration?
ual frustration describes a situation where you’re having less than you’d like — whether in a relationship or when between partners — so it’s not the same thing as repression.
Most adults experience ual frustration at some point.
Some common signs include:
frequent ual thoughts and fantasies
Frustration and repression occasionally play off each other.
When working through years of ual repression, you might notice ual urges you aren’t sure how to express.
You want to get better at expressing your uality but haven’t quite reached the point where you feel comfortable doing so.
It’s normal for this process to take time, so you might notice some frustration in the meantime.
What causes it?
Typically, ual repression happens in response to restrictive ideas or attitudes about .
Parents or other caregivers may teach these ideas directly, but you might also simply absorb them from watching other people as you grow up.
At first, you might knowingly stifle ual thoughts, but over time, this repression often becomes automatic.
Negative experiences or beliefs about
People tend to associate ual repression with religious upbringings, but traditional ideas about ual behavior can stem from other sources, too.
Some caregivers might warn children about due to fears of transmitted infections, teen pregnancy, or ual trauma in their own pasts.
A history of ual trauma can also factor into repression. Rape and ual abuse can cause significant, long lasting emotional pain, and thoughts of might trigger memories and further distress, making it difficult to enjoy or want .
If you’ve had a lot of bad consensual , you might decide all is the same and question your desire for a different experience.
If you decide your urges are unusual, you might bury those thoughts and have a tough time finding a positive ual relationship.
Misinformation or lack of information
If your caregivers didn’t talk about , your peers may have provided plenty of conflicting information that didn’t do much to normalize healthy ual expression.
You may not have absorbed negative ideas about , exactly, but some of what you heard from others might make seem weird and uncomfortable.
You might reason that, if is normal and healthy, your parents would have mentioned it.
ual thoughts and arousal might cause confusion, even disgust, if you don’t know what causes them.
Strict gender roles
Beliefs about often relate back to an upbringing clearly defined by gender roles.
For example, girls might absorb the message it’s OK to trade for protection or affection, but not to express enjoyment — unless they want people to think of them as “sluts.”
In other scenarios, boys might grow up believing they have a right to and that it’s OK if women don’t enjoy it.
This (entirely faulty) belief may not seem to relate much to repression, but it does have an impact.
Some children grow up questioning this message, and the desire for a ual experience that’s positive for everyone involved can cause feelings of confusion, if early messages about relate to control.
ual orientation can also play into repression. Many children learn, directly or indirectly, that only men and women should have with each other.
If your ual orientation doesn’t align with that dictate, you might repress your feelings in order to avoid rejection.
Not knowing how to name or accept your uality as normal can cause plenty of distress.
People who are transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming may have even more complicated, difficult experiences.
and gender aren’t the same thing, of course, but when caregivers invalidate your identity by preventing you from expressing your gender, you might also begin to question other aspects of your nature, like uality.
How do you know whether you’re experiencing it?
ual repression involves feelings that affect you negatively. Repression is not:
auality, or lack of ual attraction
disinterest in ual experimentation or casual
limited ual experience
Some people have interest in a wide variety of ual activities.
Not wanting to try things like oral , anal , BDSM, or with multiple partners doesn’t mean you’re repressed.
There’s nothing wrong with only wanting one type of . Some people might label this “prudish,” but remember it’s your desires that matter.
If you don’t want to have until you’re in a committed, long-term relationship, that’s entirely your decision.
Wanting to wait on doesn’t necessarily mean you’re repressed — as long as you make this choice yourself and feel good about it.
In short, repression refers to deep-seated negative feelings around the very idea of . Common themes and behaviors include:
shame and distress associated with ual fantasies
guilt and other negative feelings after or masturbation
difficulty enjoying healthy, consensual
negative self-talk after ual thoughts or activity
believing your body is unattractive or unworthy of
What can happen because of it?
Sigmund Freud, one of the first to explore and write about the idea of ual repression, cautioned that repressing ual urges could have unwanted consequences.
Some of these effects can have far-reaching implications for your emotional well-being.
People working to overcome repression often report physical symptoms, including:
difficulty with orgasm or premature ejaculation
pain or discomfort during
Repression can also contribute to emotional distress and mental health symptoms, including:
reluctance to act on ual desires
-related fear and anxiety
guilt associated with ual desires
harsh self-judgment of ual thoughts
Difficulty accepting your ual orientation
If you identify as LGBTQIA+ but grew up in an environment where being straight and cisgender were the only acceptable options, you may have felt the safest hiding your identity and uality.
Even when you finally felt like you could express yourself, doing so might not have felt natural.
Despite knowing your orientation is a normal expression of human uality, you might continue struggling with guilt or fear around your identity, especially when trying to counter years of religious upbringing.
Negative attitudes toward others
If you begin associating with negative emotions from an early age, you could end up with some negative views toward people who freely express their uality.
This could happen in a relationship — say, when your partner brings up a ual fantasy they’d like to act out.
You might also internalize more generalized negative values toward LGBTQIA+ people or people who have casual , for example.
Lack of interest in
Some people don’t have much of a drive, so disinterest in doesn’t always relate to repression.
But sometimes, it can. If you’ve successfully tamped down your desires, you may not really know what you enjoy.
If you don’t get much pleasure from , you might not see the point and avoid initiating or pursuing it yourself.
This can make it difficult to sustain a relationship since varying degrees of ual interest can often create challenges in romantic relationships.
Inability to ask for what you want
If you feel ashamed of your ual thoughts, you might struggle to acknowledge them without guilt.
Sharing these desires with a partner, even someone you love and trust, might seem impossible.
Repression can make you feel guilty about enjoying , so when something makes you feel good, you might feel ashamed or critical of yourself and avoid trying it again (even when you really want to).
Confused ual boundaries
One serious effect of ual repression involves difficulty recognizing personal boundaries.
You might have a hard time grasping what is and isn’t OK when it comes to , in your own behavior or the behavior you accept from others.
You might find it difficult to create and enforce personal boundaries around . Even when you want to say no, you might not feel able to.
If you believe you’re entitled to , you may not understand the importance of consent or respecting boundaries.
What can you do about it?
First, know that ual repression is real, not all in your head. Second, know it isn’t your fault.
Simply having an awareness of the signs of repression and how it affects you can help you take steps toward countering it.
Other helpful tips:
Practice mindfully accepting ual thoughts
Mindfulness can help you become more comfortable with ual thoughts by increasing your awareness of them and learning to accept them without judgment.
If a ual thought comes up, you might notice it, remind yourself it’s normal, and let it pass without criticizing yourself.
You might also follow that thought with curiosity and explore what it suggests — an experience you’d like to have, perhaps?
Read up on positivity
positivity can help counter ual repression, so getting more comfortable with the idea of as a healthy activity can help you work through repression.
Exploring positivity could involve reading essays or books about ual expression.
It can also mean familiarizing yourself with ual expression in books, films, and art. There’s always porn (including ethical or independent porn).
You can also find toned-down explicit scenes in ordinary books and movies, too, so you don’t have to look for erotica — unless you want to.
Get comfortable with your body
Repression can sometimes affect how you feel about your body.
Instead of loving and accepting your physical self, you might have a tendency to hide or deualize your body by wearing loose, constricting clothes and avoiding nakedness.
To increase your comfort with your own body, you might try:
looking at yourself in the mirror naked
listing five things you like about your body
Talk to your partner
Sometimes, opening the door to conversation with an understanding partner can help you feel more comfortable voicing your desires.
You might say, “I’ve never felt comfortable talking about or acknowledging what I like in bed. I want to improve, but it will take time.”
Mindfulness during can also help you recognize when you enjoy something since it lets you focus on your experience without letting unwanted thoughts distract you. This way, you can better express your enjoyment.
Breaking the cycle
Plenty of parents who pass down misguided or harmful ideas about uality don’t mean to cause harm. They’re simply sharing beliefs they learned themselves.
This can, of course, cause a lot of problems, especially when the cycle keeps repeating.
Addressing ual repression in yourself can help, especially if you plan to have children.
You can also promote healthy ideas about uality by:
talking about honestly, in an age-appropriate way
exposing children to relationships between people of all genders, through real-life or media portrayals
teaching children what healthy romantic and ual relationships look like
providing affirming resources to LGBTQIA+ children
teaching consent from an early age
Where can you find support?
Working with a compassionate therapist is a great way to begin addressing ual repression.
Some therapists might specialize in religious-based repression, while others focus on helping LGBTQ+ people accept their uality.
A quick internet search can help you find a therapist in your area.
For such an intimate, personal topic, it’s essential to find a therapist you can open up to.
It’s completely understandable (and normal) to want to try out a few different therapists. They want you to feel comfortable, too!
Without a good working relationship, therapy won’t have as much benefit.
The bottom line
Religious or social expectations around ual behavior can lead to ual guilt and shame, regardless of gender or identity, but this is something you can absolutely overcome.
Reaching out to a trained therapist is often a helpful first step.
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